Silent But Deadly

     30 days of rest granted to my vocal chords, that’s right no speaking, in addition the attempt of abandoning self expression. I have to admit right away, that self expression is very difficult to dispose of. Speaking being the most common form was the easiest to dodge. Facial expression, sighing, head nods(yes and no’s), frustrated no’s combined with turning away were very difficult, these were all valiantly avoided as often as possible. I originally didn’t want to log a daily journal, because I felt that could be considered self-expression. However, last minute I decided it was crucial that I did document this experiment. 30 days is a bit of a long time to remember details, and if I couldn’t refer to records I may have lost some lessons and hopefully wisdom acquired during this time period. Before I keep writing, and divulge to much of this recent vacation, I’ll allow you to read my notes, as recorded (I kept a pen and small note pad with me at all times) on a daily basis. I did make one sign in the back of this paper pad that simply read “I cannot speak”, this was used for places like the bank, post office, etc. Where I did need to write a note to request information, forms, materials. I figured it would be better to just show them that first instead of writing a note and passing it to the various clerks, as they may have assumed the note would have read “give me all the money”, the sign served its purpose and worked well. I titled the exercise “Silent But Deadly” because I think it’s kind of funny, and I was silent, during this time period I did in fact execute some aspect of my life and mind that had not been to trial yet. These factors and flaws were examined, judged and sentenced. Here’s what I witnessed and thought.

February 1st - 2012- DAY 1

- I’m frustrated, I already want to tell people not to read ½ way into a nutrition, diet, and/or exercise program before beginning…oh well.
- Very early yet, I’ve noticed how annoying being asked a question by someone who is well informed of the exercise and terms decided to be applied.
- Already noticed a newly acquired and required amount of patience and discipline.
- New appreciation for verbal communication.
- Having thoughts and not expressing them is at times very frustrating.
*Especially instinctual/behavioral reactions.
*Simple inquiries with others, example: “can I use this or that?”
- The concept of not being expected to express favor or disgust is slightly empowering.
- This already putting the ego in “check”, the significance, I thought the self had, which wasn’t much to begin with, is being proven to be even smaller/insignificant.
- The experiment is already proving that the world will undoubtedly continue without my input and/or presence.
* I’ve decided to keep a journal/daily log documenting this process, I may regret not doing it later.
February 2nd - DAY 2

- People are really thrown off when you don’t respond to a greeting or goodbye.
- Still amazed that people are directly asking me questions, maybe they’re having a more difficult time adjusting than I am?
- “…Biting the tongue…” This is most frustrating so far, especially when dealing with the *last entry*. However, it may be productive to teach myself behavior that allows “biting of the tongue” to be non-existent.

February 3rd - DAY 3

- I was just logged into Facebook, read a post about the band U2 covering the Ramones… I listened to the song, WOW!!!! I want to scream!!!….. Actual disgust comparable to the worst things imaginable, except I know it’s real, and NOT imaginary.
- I just decided to ignore questions from people who are aware of this process, I fear if I respond at all, in any way, it could deprive the experiments experience. Better to start this on day 3 than on day 23.

February 4th - DAY 4

- My throat feels strange, I noticed after day 2, I felt as if there was something sitting on the back side of my esophagus, as of now this is not improving.
- By not speaking with my friends who are “immediate” and within close proximity, it seems I have been omitted from their activities, maybe even thoughts?
- I think I only have a couple of friends who understand this experiment, but they live very far away, when using linear distances to measure separation.
- I spent last week preparing physically and mentally for some very focused physical training and exercise. I feel excellent, and have already experienced some physical and mental effects as a result of the newly initiated program. *I’m back in the game, my diet, body and mind are exactly where they need to be. I’m silent, but eager to express my excitement of this, for myself and those around me!
- I am, at this moment very satisfied with this experience thus far. I really focused on myself. As a result of this self-induced “exile” I have been intensely studying nutrition, dietary practices, psychology, and sociology… also combining them at times I.E. social and cultural dietary habits.
- “First person” observations, being only a witness has already, I feel, produced actual knowledge.
- Warning!: Gonna get nerdy!
* Before entering the grocery store, I scanned the list I had made of items I planned to purchase, I guessed the total to be between $75-$80, the total was $76.18, I’m really proud I guessed so well, perhaps the lack of voice is improving intuition????
- As I was bagging my items, a younger guy came up and shook my hand, I didn’t recognize him, but he claimed that we had worked together in the past. He attempted talking to me, I showed him the small sign I had (I cannot speak)… he immediately asked, “what happened?”, after dealing a blank stare I showed him the sign to him again, turned around and continued my business… amusing.

February 5th - DAY 5

- I’m well aware at this point who is keeping me in mind they’re doing so via chat networks, and e-mail and are encouraging, I’d like to thank them.
- So far, two friends, who know who they are(I’ll be contacting them after the experiment is finished), seem to be the only ones who understand the exercise, my mother just thinks I’m not talking, and still asks question after question… she really hasn’t “gotten” it yet.
- I didn’t realize how difficult not singing along with songs would be! Hand drumming, whistling, humming- I did them more often than I realized!
- Also I’m not going to band practice that is clearly self-expression.
- I’ve just realized how much I miss conversing with certain people, that reality really just “set in”.
- Work begins tomorrow, this should be interesting.

February 6th - DAY 6

- I realized those around me, who basically are ignoring me for the most part are potentially wasting an opportunity to learn to become better non-verbal communicators. My foreman and the rest of the crew I’m on seem to be doing fine.
*They think I’m sick or some ailment has fallen upon me.
*My foreman who is an immigrant is also bi-lingual, he’s probably been in a similar situation before.
- I’ve noticed already, today my listening “skills” have strengthened.
- Today I was proud of the discipline I have acquired, I had my feet smashed twice today at work… yet not a sound, not one facial expression, however there was plenty of pain.

February 7th - DAY 7

- Speaking is actually easier to avoid than self-expression, which I’ve determined may be impossible and unavoidable.

February 8th - DAY 8

- I’ve acquired a bacterial infection, my immune system is working overtime and has made the battlefield the inside of my head.
- Speaking of overtime, because I’m not speaking, I got suckered into working some overtime tonight… I actually despise overtime, I don’t care what it pays, my “time” is priceless.
- On a more positive note, I think due to a lack of speaking another sense has strengthened, or perhaps hasn’t gained strength so much as I’m noticing it more. I had three thoughts in my head for quite some time today, they all were related to separate people, when I got off work this evening I checked my phone and had a message from each one of these people. Even more interesting was that one message included another person(a 4th person), who I also had thought about. Synchronicity? Intuition? Telepathy?…. Pineal Gland?
- I’m noticing that A) not speaking has become first nature and has lost its “top of the list” ranking as communication, B) I’m also realizing that I’m not recording my thoughts, as due to a lack of expressing them, I may be letting them come and then immediately go, I’m just being, I’m beginning to lose an opinion in a lot of situations, C) Aside from not having an opinion in some ways, when I do I’m finding that I’m critical, and most likely would be labeled an “asshole” if I were speaking my opinion. This is something I think won’t stick and is most likely a result of some form of contempt for those who are speaking, which obviously I have the option of speaking, but not in my mind at least until of the 30 day sentence.

February 9th - DAY 9

- I’ve come to the conclusion that most people don’t pay attention to non-verbal detail… what I’m trying to say is A) people rarely think before they speak, which leads to B) people not observing before they speak. Its easier to just ask a question then to observe for a moment.
- I’m really ill at the moment, fortunately I got off work early today, but will be returning tomorrow, hopefully some rest will make my condition improve.

February 10th - DAY 10

- So sick! I’m going into work though, hopefully being outside will help maybe some “fresh” air can help. It’s Friday, so two days off after this to rest and get well.
- I can’t believe how much pain I’m experiencing from this illness! At times, it’s literally nauseating, I know getting after head trauma like concussion, nausea sets in upon waking, but I’ve never had physical pain that actually made me feel like I was going to regurgitate whatever was in my stomach.
- A little disappointed, slightly discouraged, today I was more or less forced to speak. I predicted this would happen. I’ve been forced to introduce on exception to this process, unfortunately. My field of work a lot of the time requires clear communication, not just for productivity but for the sake of safety. Which is where I drew the line, I had no problem nodding “yes” or “no” to my foreman or fellow workers. But, when we’re using a crane and hosting multiple tons of iron, I have to draw the line and communicate, as someone’s life could be depending on my communication, hell, my life could depend on it! Sorry to anyone who feels this experiment is rendered “not true” or invalid as result of this decision. I was and will be just as disciplined with the work communication as I have been with my silence in every single other situation.
- I’m very sick today, my face hurts where sinus cavities lay, I’ve been sipping on tea and water with apple cider vinegar mixed in, since yesterday afternoon, I broke a rule of mine and went and purchased some over the counter “medicine”, it’s literally been years since the last time I was sick, 3-4, and before that time it was another 3-4 years without getting sick. This is the first time I’ve taken pills in approximately 7 years, of course not counting pills in the category of vitamins, minerals, and assorted supplements. Today just didn’t really “have it going on” for me.

February 11th - DAY 11

- I woke up this morning and the pressure in the front of my head and face were somewhat alleviated, however, one of my ears is now under pressure and beginning to be painful.
-
- I ended up going to the doctor, this always my last resort. The Doctor who took care of me was understanding of my pad and paper used for communication. She also told me that I was “one tough cookie” after looking in my ear(I felt like a stupid cookie, for waiting so long). The verdict, a sinus infection without a doubt and swimmers ear, she immediately gave me some local anesthetic ear drop as she “knew I was in great pain” and I was. While these past few days have definitely been a low point of this experience, simultaneously they possibly have been the most testing. On a good note, I was paying attention during the recording of my vitals, and I’m one very healthy boy!

February 12th - DAY 12

- I had an epiphany about this whole exercise. I was struck with the realization that because I’ve been suppressing not only speech, but self-expression whether it be-pleasure/pain, happiness/anger, content/frustrated, comfort/discomfort- I’ve found myself examining why I’m experiencing these certain emotional/physical bubbles. Not to say that I have never done this before, however I’m definitely taking a much more detailed and close inspection due to my silence, because of the simple fact that I can’t just release it by talking about it, or telling someone, whether I’m at fault or other people seem to be the culprit. As a result, it’s time for some change, some big, some small… in my opinion size doesn’t matter, haha, change is change.

February 13th - DAY 13

- Not a very interesting day, I went to work, and are beginning to notice the effects of the medicine for my sinus infection and swimmers’ ear. This is great, as I felt well enough to resume training, not 100% yet though.
- I’m learning so much during this period of silence, academically and about myself, and I think I’m learning a lot about other people around me as well.

- I’ve really lost interest in the social network face book, I’ll keep my account active though, it’s a great way to stay in contact with people.

February 14th - DAY 14

- Another day that hasn’t been too eventful, I am still a little sick, but started training again yesterday, and went for a very good run earlier, I completely surprised myself with my time.

- Hopefully, when I wake tomorrow I’ll be able to hear out of my right ear, which hasn’t been operating up-to-par since Saturday.

February 15th - DAY 15

- Over half way done, on my way out of the woods.

- I’ve really learned to embrace solitude, again. I spent a few years pretty well hidden from “my” little part of the world, I forgot how much I enjoyed those years!

- This doesn’t mean I don’t miss some individuals though, as I honestly are eager to talk to several people.

February 16 - DAY 16

- Now past the half way “mark”, I’ve got a 4 day weekend beginning tomorrow, which is great, last weekend really wasn’t enjoyable at all, due to illness. Tomorrow, I’ll get most of my weekly tasks out of the way, maybe even more and will enjoy a few days of nothingness, probably some reading and writing.

- I’ve really learned at this point, that it is no good use of intention to expect people to understand this exercise. There are three people who I would recognize as understanding and respecting this process, they will be thanked when I can thank them in two weeks.

February 17th - DAY 17

- I had the day off, its has been very productive, I’ve got the next 3 days, at least, with nothing to do but relax. Most likely, I will be left alone…this could be perfect!

- Not speaking is extremely easy at this stage, it has become 1st nature. I don’t even begin to respond when someone speaks to me. Most people are offended, it seems, when you don’t acknowledge their greeting with a smile, even when they are aware of the current situation.

February 18th - DAY 18

- It’s Saturday, my “cheat day” where I divulge myself in foods that I have denied myself during the previous 6 days, this is a dietary strategy, if you’re not familiar with it, you’ll have to look it up yourself, I’m not going to go into details about the function of this action. However, I was eating my breakfast, by myself(just as I used to during my several year stint of solitude), and realized this exercise has accomplished more for me than anticipated, and probably more than I realize at the moment.
- I not only have shown and taught myself discipline beyond previous endeavors.
- I’ve actually realized(regardless of knowing, as knowledge is useless unless applied), that actions really do say more and speak “louder” than words. This is very easily displayed in my work environment, I can’t ask someone to hand me something or go get me something, I have to think 10 steps ahead of the already 5 that I normally do at work. Being reliable, if I agree to do something or be somewhere at a specific time, once I’ve nodded my head yes, I am committed, I don’t have the luxury of texting or calling and cancelling.
- I wish I had more significant examples, but I’ve been sudo-exiled from my “normal” environment.

February 19 - DAY 19

- I believe part of the reason remaining silent has become so easy, is because I’m not around anyone. But I still have to consider when I’m in a public setting, how easy it is for me to not express any form of verbal expression, without even thinking about it.
- This doesn’t have much to do with my silence, but is a result of this experiment. I’ve got to make some real changes, I’ve already started some of the lifestyle transformation, and have to admit that I am embracing it. Other details will take a little more time and some planning, not only are they probably but in some ways completely necessary.

February 20th - DAY 20

- It’s Monday, and I’ve got today off from work, so there’s no doubt it will be another uneventful day, yesterday I didn’t really come in contact with anyone, so today I’ll train and then read, write, research, probably watch a documentary, and hopefully get prepared for work tomorrow.

February 21st - DAY 21

- Not speaking, in my opinion as a result of my experience thus far, makes most people uncomfortable. They seem to think that if you’re expressionless that you’re unhappy or angry. I think this is amusing, a neutral expression essentially represents a negative expression, only because it’s not “positive”.

- The past 21 days have been a great period of reflection, self-analysis, resulting in very intense self-examination where I have been intimately faced my existence, my actions(past and future), my motives, I only “regret” not doing this sooner. Better late than never I suppose. This period has, as a result of self-analysis, allowed me to refocus on my life and what I really want out of my short time in this body.

February 22nd - DAY 22

- I’ve got a little more than a week to go, I have to admit I am beginning to grow anxious of the end date. I’m looking forward very much to talk to a handful of people, mostly to exchange information and catch up on what has taken place in their world for the last 30 days.

- I hope people will understand my lack of “input” during this period. There certainly been moments and incidents where I feel that not only was it best that I didn’t speak, but at the same time a word of kindness could have been optimal in comforting.

- Comfort, I realized, and believe that it’s a shame, that a lot of peoples comfort is reliant and sometimes dependent on your expression! This really speaks volumes of our culture in my opinion.

February 23rd - DAY 23

- Happy 23rd!!!

- Not a very eventful day, I didn’t work, and are almost certain I’ll have tomorrow off as well…. Another loooong weekend, which is fine. A week from tomorrow I’ll be “allowed” to speak again, at this point I think I’ve learned the value of silence and also believe that silence says much more than words sometimes, and will definitely at least in the short term, refrain from speaking immediately and/or instinctually.

- People ask a lot of unnecessary questions….. Which means there are just as many unnecessary answers.

- HAPPY 23!!!!!

February 24th - DAY 24

- The 23rd has come and passed, the beginning of a new cycle.

- I’m really focusing, at this point, on lengthening my patience, one way of doing this is actually by avoiding when people try and carry a conversation with me. I just have to more or less walk away. Reason 1, I cannot speak, I don’t know what people don’t understand about this. Reason 2, It is very frustrating when someone continually asks questions, knowing you cannot respond verbally, I’ve at times felt the need to write down words just get the situation over with.

- I realized this morning that I haven’t asked a question to anyone for 24 days, I thought this was really interesting, for multiple reasons.

- One thing I have learned is that without my vocal influence, I have been forced to either accept a situation, or change it with action only. I have denied my influence via voice, therefore I can say something and expect that something will change due to a request…. This is something I knew, but now truly understand. Your actions really are your voice, even on a small scale.

February 25th - DAY 25

- I was reminded yesterday that I have less than a week at this point. 6 days until the end, I feel about the same as 6 days in at this point.

- At this time I’m finding a lack of new discoveries due to my silence, with the exception of my personal reflection and the steady track of reading and writing that I’ve pursued during this process.

February 26th - DAY 26

- Although, I’ve broken my silence, in times at work where my voice was necessary for the protection of others and myself, this is the only case.

- I have to admit I have used expression via skype and e-mail, in these few cases I feel that my “voice” was necessary, in expressing my opinion and influence. I don’t feel as if I’ve failed. The people that I have communicated with not only hold more significance to me when compared to this exercise, equally the reasons and terms that summoned my thoughts being expressed only prove to me, how high I hold these relationships and those involved.

- I had a notion, as I was sitting in silence today. The THIRD WORLD War has been taking place for some time, and the United States is the provocateur, instigator, and maintainer. I often play with the idea of moving out of this country because of many of the policy and practices ensued by the government. This is coupled by much of the principles that have been abandon by the government and much of the citizens within the counties borders. After this sort-of epiphany, I may begin taking this consideration much more seriously and pursue it with action and begin looking for a more appealing destination.

February 27th - DAY 27

- I don’t know if I can learn anymore from this exercise that can be shared, I predict that any further entries will be discussing personal interests that have been unveiled.

- I have become undoubtedly comfortable in my silence, I don’t even consider it anymore, with the exception of when I am recording in this log.

- I definitely have become a recluse of some kind, which “been there, done that” is applicable, but I believe it is a result of my silence. Not because I didn’t initially desire to be separate, at this point though I have realized that it makes no difference whether I’m involved or included in the lives and events around me. There are of course exceptions, and as a result, a much smaller number of people hold significance to me. It sounds cold, but its honest. It is my believe now, that some people in my life were simply filling a void that didn’t need filled, which in turn created an obstacle, that was unseen and unnoticed. This doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate these individuals, what it means is that I have acknowledged there role, and in doing so a shift in priority is necessary. Not to necessarily neglect them, but to attend further to myself in particular parts of my life.

February 28th - DAY 28

- I would like to extend my thoughts from yesterday’s last entry.

- Just under two months ago I stopped smoking and drinking simultaneously. This lack of toxic substance served to be a catalyst. It allowed me A) to clean my body, which assisted in cleaning my mind. As an alternative to self-destructive behavior to occupy my time, I began training again and subscribing to a nutritional program(diet) organized by myself. This is the second time that I have experienced this situation in my life. I don’t plan it happening again.

- I have been fortunate enough to place refocus on myself, and when this exercise is over with, I will begin the process of eliminating toxic elements from my life. This includes, activities, people, places, personal practices, and thoughts of some variety. This doesn’t mean I’ll hide from everything and everyone, it means that I will eliminate the possibility of coming in contact, the most effective way I know how, with these toxic elements.

- It’s time to detach, again and finally, from the terribly unbalanced negative elements in my life. I’m not avoiding negativity, because then there would be no positive. I’m attempting to omit an overabundance of negative and toxic elements to create the balance that I’ve tried to achieve for many years, as this is definitely one of my personality faults; I’ve always struggled with balance and have a difficult time dealing with mediocrity.

February 29th - DAY 29

- I only miss communicating with some people, and the luxury of making a phone call, the duration of this process left me in a predicament I overlooked, which was I am 100% relying on myself to do anything and everything, I can’t request simple favors from people. I think this is a good thing, it has made me more independent than before, something I didn’t think was possible.

- I am eager, VERY EAGER, to talk to 4 people that I can think of, off the top of my head.

- As this exercise meets its conclusion, I don’t feel as if I have been holding my breath and are anticipating gasping for air, such as breaking the surface of water.

- On the contrary, these days have provided a capsule that has allowed me to slowly and thoroughly release my breathe and examine the exhaled particles. This I predict, with full confidence, will welcome a much needed inhalation of pure fresh air.

- I think this can only lead to another progressive step towards further transformation, that is more intentional than by chance. We’re continuously transforming, a lot of people have lost control of the direction without realizing it, I am guilty. The best part about realizing this is when you realize that at any moment you can begin steering the vessel again.

- Tomorrow I’m aiming on strong meditation, as a result I may not record anything.

March 1st - DAY 30

- I had originally planned on not recording anything today, but reviewing these daily records, I feel the need to touch base further with my observation of people asking questions unnecessarily.
(A) First of all they knew I “couldn’t” talk.
(B) Most of the time, the questions asked were related to information that was not in any way crucial or based on a timeline. A lot of these are questions that all in all ask the never ending question “WHY?”.

- How, and why a lot of the time are completely insignificant much of the time, not only, the “what” has already taken place and the effect is in progress or completed. But also this shows how out of step many people are with the “NOW”.

- I just spent 30 days and most of the time, I was in the “NOW” and it was an incredible experience. I would suggest spending any amount of time in silence and attempting the refrain of self-expression. I do have admit, I’m not certain that suppressing speech and continuing this would have been any more productive, and may have possibly been destructive. There has been some research that the suppression of many different facets of life definitely have an effect on the body and the mind.

- I have to ask now, “does the body rule the mind or does the mind rule the body? I dunno” (hopefully someone will catch that reference)

-I’ve learned much about myself and others around me.

- Speaking of learning, I never set out an object to learn or discover at the beginning of this, I just wanted to see what happened. I learned much and discovered a lot.